Thank you, O Powerful Government, for forcing me to be what you think is a better person. I will strictly follow your standards and only eat the less than the amount of insect wings in my candy bars that you mandate.
I will not eat animal fat, but your mandated healthier hydrogenated trans fatty acids.
I will not eat your hydrogenated trans fatty acids, and will now revert back to animal fat, because you are now banning Transfat.
I will only take government-approved drugs like Thalidomide, so my future babies can be born with mutated arms.
I will not take Thalidomide because it has been recalled.
I will take Thalidomide again because it has been approved again.
I will only eat the foods you recommend, following your food pyramid.
I will only eat the foods you recommend, using your NEW food pyramid.
I will only eat the COLORS of foods you recommend, now that the pyramid is gone.
I will exercise because my Body Mass Index is higher than you mandate.
I will refrain from exercise, as the increase in carbon dioxide output may cause the earth to get warmer.
I will not smoke because second-hand smoke endangers children.
I WILL smoke, so that the taxes I pay on cigarettes may fund health care for needy children.
I will not kill mosquitoes with DDT so that I might kill millions of people with Malaria to ensure that birds eggs have firm, solid shells.
I will mandate that developing nations only rely on Wind and Solar so that the African Nations full of poor brown folk - rich with oil and coal - may never come and eat at the same table in our global economy and threaten my way of life.
I will require the corporations in my own country to follow rigorous and expensive environmental policies and increase unemployment, but will ignore China's polution so that I won't have to pay too much for those children to manufacture gadgets for me.
I will screw those evil, polluting corporations by ensuring companies like General Electric billions of dollars in profit and incentives on newly mandated "eco" generaion of electricity. After all, what's greener than the ole Dollar Bill?
I will follow the preaching of private-jet-flying over-consuming mansion-dwelling prophets who can predict the weather 50 years from now, because THIS TIME they're right.
I will fly in my celebrity friends to "Think Global, Act Local" conferences where we each take our own jet, and spend millions of dollars to import luxurious GLOBAL food from NON-local sources.
I will support whatever tax hikes are necessary to rid us of the plague of incandescent bulbs.
I will support FURTHER tax hikes to attempt to clean the mercury from our water.
I clearly make too much money, so I will gladly give it to you. You are so wise and efficient, O Frugal Steward! Lest I forget, please take it from me with force!
THANK YOU, O Powerful Government!